Ham So-won’s dilemma: homework left by her daughter’s obesity and ‘uncomfortable cohabitation’ with her ex-husband > News

Although Ham So-won has been divorced for the past four years, she has continued to meet with her ex-husband Jin Hua out of concern for her daughter Hye-jeong's emotional deficiency. This meeting, which began when the child began to feel the absence of his father, seemed at first like a warm companionship born of the parents' sense of responsibility. However, Ham So-won was shocked when she learned at a recent school health checkup that her daughter had gained nearly 10 kg in one year and was diagnosed as obese. She found the cause of this drastic change in her meeting with her ex-husband, and expressed deep dissatisfaction when she saw that her child, who had spent time with his father, had gained weight to the point where marks were left on his stomach due to excessive food intake. For Ham So-won, this situation went beyond simply her child's health issues, and became a complex of anxiety and anger that her ex-husband's unrestrained lifestyle was having a negative impact on her child.

Counselor Lee Ho-seon delved into the nature of the conflict Ham So-won is experiencing and offered sharp but warm insights. Lee Ho-seon pointed out that Ham So-won did not stop criticizing her ex-husband throughout the counseling, and pointed out that the child sensed the tension between the parents and was trying to please the mother. In particular, a situation where a child tells his mother to “ignore” shows that the child is already feeling emotionally isolated within the conflict structure between his parents. Lee Ho-seon emphasized how much psychological burden parents put on the child by belittling the other person in front of the child, and warned that this is forming a kind of 'love triangle' that turns the child into an emotional trash can for the parents.

As a concrete alternative for resolving conflict, Ho-seon Lee emphasized the need for separation of environments and agreed upon rules. If Ham So-won is uncomfortable with the father's irregular lifestyle habits coming into the house, he advised that a strategy is needed to protect the child's daily life by changing the meeting place between the father and the child to outside the house instead of the house. Additionally, what is most urgent is the ‘minimum agreement’ between parents regarding childcare. Continuing to meet unconditionally without establishing clear rules about food or basic lifestyle habits, or conversely blocking the meeting itself, is not helpful to the child's growth. Ho-seon Lee made it clear that a mother cannot arbitrarily deprive a child of the child's right to interact with the father, and emphasized that the parents' emotional resentment must be completely separated from the child's healthy growth.

The conclusion of the consultation was that a change in the parents' attitude is more important than the child's physical health. Lee Ho-seon ordered Ham So-won to learn flexible parenting methods through parent education and emotionally reconcile with her child, rather than being a too strict and powerful mother to her child. For a child, spending time with his father is not just a matter of nutritional intake, but also a process of establishing a foundation of emotional support. Lee Ho-seon's advice that if he completely blocks contact with his father, the child's body may be managed, but a lack of love that will never be satisfied in his heart may remain, resonated greatly. In the end, Ham So-won was able to look at her feelings objectively through counseling, relieve her pent-up frustration, and strengthen her will to change.